Two Tickets to Paradise (Waiting So Long)
by Thermopyle
Summary: Genma comes up with a cunning plan to unite the schools... Completed spamfic.


Ranma belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, but this story is the result of my  
deranged mind only.  
  
Two Tickets to Paradise (Waiting So Long)  
By Thermopyle  
http://Thermopyle.anifics.com/index.html  
  
####  
  
Genma hit the ground silently and stood motionless, listening for the  
enemy. There was nothing; no startled outcry, no enraged yelling, and  
none of that deceptive bursting into tears nonsense.  
  
He was free from his wife at last!  
  
Deciding that he'd best hurry up and get as far away as he could, as  
quickly as possible, he ran the short distance to the wall at the back  
of his yard, then leapt over easily when he reached it. Stopping again  
on the other side, he waited a minute to see if he'd been spotted.  
Still clear, nobody had noticed him.  
  
Well, except for the neighbor's dogs, anyway.  
  
After a short, panicked run to another nearby fence, he escaped once  
again. He kept jumping from yard to yard until he was about a block  
away from his own house, trying to slip over each one as quickly as  
possible, hoping that Nodoka wouldn't be upstairs and look one of the  
windows that faced in his direction. He had no illusions of his ability  
to resist her screams of anguish, should she let that horrible technique  
loose, so the best method of prevention would be to make sure he was too  
far away to hear them when she started.  
  
Judging the distance he'd traveled as far enough, he jumped out of  
whoever's yard he was in and onto their roof, then started roof-hopping  
In the direction of his best, and only, friend's house.  
  
  
Frowning in consternation, Genma tried to figure out his next move. If  
Nodoka hadn't already called the Tendous, then Soun's wife would  
undoubtedly telephone Nodoka just to make sure he was 'allowed' to be  
out tonight. Which meant that he had to keep her from seeing him.  
  
He was currently on their roof, listening to the sound of children  
screaming. How Soun was able to put up with that, he did not know.  
Nodoka and his son alone were enough to push Genma to the breaking  
point; the fact that the crazy woman hadn't been letting him drink  
lately only made things that much worse. Soun was much worse off; he  
had a wife and three DAUGHTERS, horrible, useless things that they were,  
all trying their best to make him go insane.  
  
Which is why Genma was here tonight. He was going to escape his own  
personal hell, and it'd hardly be the friendly thing to do to leave Soun  
to his. They would ditch their families and go on a training trip,  
maybe try to find that old, perverted master he had heard about. Surely  
the a guy that ancient wouldn't really be running around groping women,  
and somebody knocking on death's door as he was would probably  
appreciate having a couple of young students to teach his ultimate  
techniques to before passing away, right?  
  
If not, him and Soun could probably trick the geezer into revealing his  
secrets somehow. They'd both managed to sneak their ways into semi-  
wealthy families, using their innate charm and manliness to get their  
respective wives to marry them. How could they fail?  
  
Deciding on a course of action, Genma jumped down to the side of the  
house and picked up a fist-sized stone from the rock garden Soun was  
being forced by his wife to maintain, then leapt back up to the roof  
again. Creeping soundlessly across the tiles and peeking over the edge  
of the roof every few feet, he looked for his friend, eventually seeing  
him through the living room window.  
  
With him were his wife, a short, thick woman who annoyed Genma  
immensely, as well as their three children. Luckily Genma had come  
prepared for this and knew exactly what to do.  
  
Taking careful aim, he threw the rock, making it smash through the  
window and impact with Soun's head, after which both fell, the rock  
hitting the floor, and Soun toppling over unconscious, blood running  
from his face.  
  
As soon as he saw that his throw was successful, Genma pulled his head  
back up and out of sight, then listened again. After a short scream  
loud thumps were heard leading towards the kitchen, probably that sow  
going to call an ambulance or nearby doctor.  
  
Taking the opportunity, he dropped down to the ground then rushed  
inside, shoving the sliding door aside on his way, and picked Soun up,  
then fled back into the back yard. As he ran towards the door, he  
tripped, dropping Soun, and some more of that damnable racket filled his  
ears. Looking back, he saw that he'd tripped over their youngest child,  
who was holding onto her head and screaming her head off.  
  
Hearing Soun's wife start moving in his direction, he gave the brat a  
glare and then picked up his friend, running out the window as quickly  
as he could with the burden, jumping over the nearest fence to make good  
his escape.  
  
After a few minutes, Genma dropped Soun to the ground.  
  
"Hey, wake up!" he said, using his foot to nudge the taller man in the  
ribs.  
  
Some blood, dark-red, trickled out from one of Soun's nostrils, but he  
made no movement.  
  
"Wake up," Genma repeated with annoyance, kicking him harder, "you're  
free! Let's go get drunk!"  
  
No change.  
  
Scowling, Genma picked Soun back up then began to walk to the nearest  
bar. "The things I do for my friends," he muttered.  
  
  
"So," Genma drawled, "the day after Ranma's birth, we went back home. I  
thought those crazy cravings for-" hick "-ice cream and chopped eel  
would finally pass, but she sent me out to pick more up that very same  
night!"  
  
Pausing to see his friend's reaction, he looked at Soun, who still  
hadn't said anything or had his eighth shot yet. Actually, Genma had  
been forced to drink the previous seven, as well. "Are you gonna drink  
that?" he asked, mostly as a formality.  
  
As expected, he received no response, so he grabbed the glass and downed  
its contents in one quick gulp, signaling to the barkeep to bring  
another two for him and his friend.  
  
"Anyway," he continued, "when we got home that night, I thought  
everything would be back to normal, you know, like before the pregnancy  
got too far along, which was quite a while ago, and that it would be  
business as usual. But she was-" hick "-too 'sore', she said. She was  
too sore the next day, too, and the one following that, and the one  
after that," he trailed off, thinking back, then looked at Soun again.  
  
"Hey, what's today?" Genma asked.  
  
He stared at Soun for a minute, then grunted and drank the other man's  
liquor. Having three kids and his wife nagging at him all the time was  
obviously giving him some problems in loosening up. Oh well.  
  
"Ranma is a real pain in the ass," he spat suddenly. "The damn brat  
won't ever shut up. I tried to start teaching him how to land properly,  
and he just bursts into tears every time, not even trying to do it  
right! Then Nodoka pitched a fit when I tried dropping him off the  
roof, to give him more incentive. I don't know what's wrong with the  
woman, protecting him like that. He'll never amount to anything if he's  
treated like a baby..."  
  
Genma frowned, then motioned for more drinks. "The boy is a few weeks  
old, he should be able to handle such things by now, I think. His  
obvious weakness is making me wonder if Nodoka has been unfaithful...."  
He looked over at his friend in sudden suspicion, but dismissed the  
thought. It was impossible. He just had to get the boy away from that  
crazy woman, then everything would be okay. Of course, that had its  
problems, too.  
  
"You know she won't let me take him on a training trip until he's five?"  
he asked.  
  
Soun said nothing.  
  
Genma nodded, "Yeah, I couldn't believe it either. Five years, wasted!  
What the hell is wrong with her? Did she really want a girl so much  
that she'd try to make our son into one?"  
  
"I just wish there was a way to speed things up a little," he mused. "I  
don't want to wait five years."  
  
"Excuse me."  
  
"I mean, really, what's the point in waiting? I found this great  
technique called the Nekoken, it'd be really good to teach Ranma that as  
soon as possible. The longer I wait, the more cat food it will take to  
get the job done, since he'll be growing really fast."  
  
"Excuse me!"  
  
Startled by the sound, he whirled around on his chair, then fell to the  
ground as he lost his balance.  
  
"WHAT?" he yelled, looking for whoever was bothering him.  
  
"I heard you say something about wishing your son could be older?" said  
a small voice to his side.  
  
He turned to see a little man, about three feet tall, with a miner's cap  
and clothes on. The twerp looked really messy, covered in dirt, but he  
had a big, cheerful grin on his face.  
  
"Yeah," said Genma, still annoyed, as he tried to stand back up. "What  
about it?"  
  
The little man laughed, seemingly embarrassed. "Well," he said, "I've  
got something that might do that for you. Some magic mushrooms I found  
a few days ago for changing people's ages."  
  
Finally reaching his feet, Genma stared down at midget for a minute,  
then turned around and got back in his chair, ordering another couple of  
drinks. He'd need to be more drunk for this.  
  
After gulping them down, the twisted the seat of his chair around again,  
this time more slowly. The little man was still there, still smiling.  
  
"So," Genma said, "you say these mushrooms can make my boy older?"  
  
  
Genma sat at the bar silently, thinking. The man had given him a little  
bag full of those mushrooms, their sizes varying, then left with nothing  
more than a cheerful caution to be careful.  
  
The varying sizes was what Genma was thinking about. Sure, making Ranma  
five years old would be the fastest way to train the boy, but was that  
really his ultimate goal?  
  
He looked over to Soun. "What do you think, Tendou?"  
  
The other man nodded, slumping forward and hitting his face on the bar.  
Genma frowned briefly, wondering about his friend's odd coloring, then  
made his decision.  
  
"Very well," he said, then quickly raised his voice in celebration.  
"It's Genma and-" he paused "-Operation Early-" hick "-Heir!"  
  
  
After dropping Soun off by the 24-hour minister's, just leaving him on a  
bench nearby, Genma headed home. When he got there, he was surprised to  
find that Soun's wife was there, too, with two of her daughters. She  
was crying for some reason, he didn't know why and couldn't hear her  
through the window when he peaked through.  
  
Luckily, the window to Ranma's room was still open, so he jumped up and  
grabbed the sill, easily pulling himself in once he saw that there was  
no stupid toys or anything underfoot to make him trip and alert his wife  
of his presence. That just wouldn't do, not at all, for what he had  
planned.  
  
In Ranma's crib was another baby, and he recognized the big bump on its  
forehead as the one he had given Soun's youngest earlier. Perfect!  
  
Grabbing both babies as gently as he could, so as to not wake them, he  
leapt back out the window, then headed back towards the minister's.  
  
Stopping in front of the bench he'd left Soun on, he gaped in surprise.  
He was gone! The bastard had chosen the worst possible time to regain  
his senses, and wandered off!  
  
Trying to dismiss his annoyance, he sat down and put one baby on each  
side of him. They were still sleeping, since he'd been careful not to  
jostle them too much on the way over, but he was sure that wouldn't last  
long.  
  
Pulling out the bag of mushrooms, he looked through it for the proper  
size. Most of them were pretty small, no more than eight or nine  
centimeters, but there were a few that were much larger. He picked out  
one that was around twenty centimeters, the closest to the target age of  
18, and another that was twenty-eight, then closed and put away the bag.  
  
Turning, he looked at the still-sleeping Tendou girl. That mark on her  
face was pretty ugly. Reaching out, he smacked her lightly on the  
cheek, and she woke up. As soon as she did, she opened her mouth and  
started to scream.  
  
He shoved the mushroom as far into her mouth as it would go, and she  
shut up. As he did so, she got bigger, aging a certain amount  
instantly, then as she grew and there was more room, he pushed it in  
further, and she got bigger still.  
  
Soon enough there was a twenty-eight year old woman, older than him,  
actually, naked on the bench beside him. Looking at her, he blinked in  
surprise. She had a huge red splotch on her forehead. The mark had  
grown with her?  
  
Shrugging it off, he pried his finger out of her mouth, ignoring her as  
she beat on his arms and shoulders ineffectively. He was glad that Soun  
hadn't started training her yet, and that she was still uncoordinated  
and had the mind of a baby, otherwise what she was doing could actually  
hurt.  
  
His finger freed, he turned in the other direction to face Ranma, then  
repeated the process, turning his infant son into a twenty-year old man.  
  
He looked at the naked man beside him, who was staring up at the sky  
with drool running out of the corner of his mouth, then grinned. Same  
age or not, Genma could kick the punk's ass.  
  
He stood up, causing the girl to fall off the bench as she tried to keep  
hitting him. While she was still on the ground he grabbed the blanket  
she had been wrapped up in earlier, then tied it around her torso before  
she could figure out how to get back up. After she was taken care of,  
he did the same thing with his son, who was still staring up at the sky,  
although he was smiling now.  
  
Staring down at the two struggling adults, he sighed happily. All his  
dreams were about to come true!  
  
  
Holding the engaged couple still in front of the priest-booth, Genma put  
on a big smile.  
  
"Hi! My son is here to get married!" he said.  
  
The priest, an older man with a bottle of scotch in each hand, looked  
back and forth between the 'couple' curiously. "Are you sure?" he  
asked.  
  
Ranma's head rolled forward, and drool started to fall onto the man's  
counter.  
  
"Yup! They're here to get married. Quite eager, they couldn't wait for  
the full ceremony."  
  
"You're sure?" the man repeated, staring at Ranma with mixed curiosity  
and revulsion on his face.  
  
Genma frowned at the man's behavior, then decided to explain the  
situation. "Yes. My son has... mental issues. He always has. I  
thought he'd never get married, but then he met this charming young  
lady, and they hit it right off!"  
  
The girl started trying to hit him again, but mostly just succeeded in  
smacking Ranma, who started trying to pull away as he made whining  
noises.  
  
"I can see that," said the priest. He looked at the three of them a  
moment longer, then he put down one of his bottles. After that, he put  
a piece of paper on the counter, away from the puddle of drool. "Fill  
that out."  
  
Genma nodded, then released the loving couple, who both fell down, and  
started filling the form out. When he was done, he held Ranma's hand  
around the pen and helped him sign his name at the bottom. Then he  
turned to the girl and started to do the same for her.  
  
Shit, what was her name? He couldn't remember.  
  
Shrugging, he just had her sign 'Tendou', with an illegible scrawl in  
front of it to be the first name, then he stood and handed the sheet to  
the priest, who quickly put it away and picked up his second bottle of  
scotch again.  
  
"There you go!" he said.  
  
The priest nodded, then asked, "Are you sure you want those two married?  
They'll probably have little retard kids."  
  
"Of course! The kid is the whole purpose behind this!"  
  
  
Genma dropped the two on the bed, then stripped their blankets away and  
pushed Ranma on top of the girl, whatever her name was. She started  
hitting him.  
  
He fished through his pockets to find the key to the next room over,  
where he could listen without having to invade his son's privacy as the  
boy shed his virginity and made him a grandfather. Some things were  
meant to be done alone, and this was one of them.  
  
When he found the key, he looked up to see that the girl had somehow  
found a big wooden mallet, and was beating his son in the head with it.  
Ranma was staring at the ceiling, now with blood leaking out of the  
corner of his mouth, and he was still smiling.  
  
Genma grabbed the mallet and yanked it away from the girl, and it  
disappeared somehow. He blinked in surprise. A ki-mallet? From the  
mind of a toddler? His grandson would be incredible, with a mother like  
that, and a father from his own loins!  
  
Nearly trembling in excitement, he left the loving couple on their  
honeymoon suite bed, then went next door and pressed an ear up against  
the wall separating their two rooms. Sure enough, he soon heard a loud  
thumping noise and the bed beginning to make creaking noises.  
  
Sighing happily, he pulled away from the wall. His and Soun's heir was  
just around the corner, and the schools would finally be united!  
  
Where was Soun, anyway?  
  
The End. 


End file.
